They say that fate is the fiddler and that life is the dance. Ive come to find that Ive met my fate on the very road that I had taken to avoid it. I do not say this with any regret and Id not trade it for anything in this world or beyond. In fact - Iâd do it all over again infinitely if it brought me right back into Pallas arms. Unfortunately, Ive not felt those arms for so long I am ... I am starting to slip. I can no longer feel him, sense him … smell him without much effort. Nothing and no-one comforts me the way that he does. None other can fill my eyes with love, or make my smile shine so bright. I’ve needed that comfort these days and living without it is as if I may as well not even be alive at all. Inside I feel I am not. Outside, what have I become?

Still - I will wait. Alone, and in my tower looking out for my sweet prince. Watching over him in my way, the only way that I can. My lover - my forever and my for always. I've sent a parchment into the skies on my fastest bird, and I will continue to wait and watch for however long it takes and however long one can survive with out a care in the world for anything else or any of the things we do day to day to survive life. It is my dream and my fate to die alone. I have seen it once before. Remember? The ice cold voice, the words? Do you remember? Is that true? Am I doomed to this fate my love?

Your death when fated, my dearest Ellyana, will be from a broken and bleeding heart. Very likely because you fell in love so deep with someone for whom you loved so infinitely more then yourself, and he has in some way been taken from you - or because you are simply no longer loved at all. For this my soul aches for you. The result is that you will demise from just giving up on life itself...not eating, not sleeping, not speaking – spiraling downward and withdrawing so terribly deep that no-one can pull you back, and you will just stop doing anything that life requires you do to survive. You will likely die alone, dissipated, and in that place of torment and solitude that you refuse to budge from, with nothing but your journal and a picture of the one whom you love so deeply in your arms...”

Is this how it really ends? After everything Ive been through, is that REALLY how things will end for me? Or, will you my prince, once again arrive in time to save me as you always seem to do? Will he be here for me? WHY am I counting on him and not MYSELF? What is wrong? I only had myself for so long and I love him so deeply I willing gave it all to him. I can not be THAT weakened by love, can I? Oh, but I am! I am! Id die a thousand deaths over and over for that man if it meant he was happy and safe! I know that whatever keeps him away that it is of great and extreme importance, for it has to be to keep him away from me, his heart, and his love! I DO know just how important I am to him. Ive not doubted that for a moment, so it is not as if I do not understand. I try and stay strong, I do, but I just am not as strong as people believe I am. Am I? Maybe I am, but there is just no way that one can stay so forever strong. Can they?

So do I accept or not? I just do not know. It is something Ive wanted, but like this? I am just so confused right now. I think and I think and seemingly get no where, and the one person I want to speak with, I can not. Ive not slept or eaten, either and I brushed out a nice clump of hair today. Stress?? There is just too much on my mind -- there always is, but more and more it is crushing me. How strong can one person really be inside?

It has been a while, I know, since Ive posted an entry here that is worth reading, or even taken the time to sit and write exactly how I feel. I am holding back, but why? I dont know. I've not changed that I can see, but I am not the same, either. It is like I said before. Something is gone from me, something inside me has changed. But what the heck is it? This is so frustrating!!

...I can not believe the last 15 marcs..longer...shorter? I've lost track...

I love Skye. I absolutly adore that girl. *smiles big* She never fails to amaze me or to remind me of just how lucky I really and truly am. Thank you, Skyelark for being you.

I need to see you my love. I just need to hold you tight....

I've not much to say. I miss Pallas, as I always do when he leaves. I feel like training but I just farm and run to peoples aide. Its exhausting but rewarding work. As much as I love to train, I'd not trade my time with Pallas for anything, or my want to train and level with him. I just wish ... I wish I could kill blues. Soon, Ellyana...soon...Just keep farming now. I got a 4th or 5th dull brown.

I attended a meeting today to to gain advice on how we as a community can help bring the outrageous market inflation back down. I think it went well (long) and we had some good ideas we will soon test.

Alloran is our new rogue leader. Congrats to him and dear God Ben has fixed out guildhall. I got a hello from Ardaion today. Was good to see him.

But for now, another realm calls and I shall go, but hopefully not for too long.

I seem to have lost something... desire ... maybe ...? I am not quite sure yet ...

Well, he is back, in person, but is he truly back in heart and spirit? I still do not know, journal, and I still am hurting so much. I guess as always the answer is time. Time will tell - it always does. He seems okay, ¦but we need to talk REALLY talk and get back into our groove before my anxiety starts to clear up at all. Hopefully soon we will be okay and soon we will be united as guild family and then officially as bonded. If of course that is all what he still wishes. Something seemed different last evening, and I can not put my finger on it. I wish I had some soft of explanation for what had happened to him that night, to us, but sadly I do not. All I do know is that there is terrible, dark evil in the lands which threatens us daily and that as always, together we must face and fight that evil. All for one…right?

As I think of us bonding I am terribly saddened. Ardaion, my friend and brother cleric was to perform our bonding and now he is gone. He left the family, left Bebhinn and all of us behind and for what and why I am not really clear on. I respect and love my brother Ardaion and I only wish him peace, love, life and happiness. I hope that in time, he will find his way back to his the family.

so much more I want to say but havent the will right now. I need to rest and then I need to train...to take out some of the seemingly unending evil and I want to wear my new mask. I hope Pallas is up for it. I want to speak with him as well and he needs to get his quest information together. Oh, there is always just so much to do and no time. It is depressing.

He said that he was coming to me...but he did not.

**this page is nothing but stab marks**

I've searched all over the lands. I am still looking. My guildhall is now..locked?? I am stuck on the outside while others are stuck inside. No way out without a tele scroll. What if...what if Pallas has returned to me, and he is in there waiting - having gone back in to look for me and is now stuck inside with no way out?


Wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...wait in the lands...search outside the lands...

I can stand this pain no more...I will leave tonight...tomorrrow....in a few days....soon; after I once again search every last bit of these lands - however long that takes me. I will not be using my journal once I am sctually gone, should it come down to that. Should you return my love, send me a bird, and if for some reason I am unable to return to you, PLEASE go and see Lucy. She may be holding something that I wish you to have...that I've wanted you to have this for some time now, and no time has felt as right or as so wrong and so...so...permenant as this...my love dearest...my Guardian Angel.


Pallas...where ever you are and where ever you might have been...whatever has happened...I love you. I love you deeply with every breath in my body and every beat of my heart - and should my breath end and my heart cease to beat...I will love you still. Forever, for always...for infinity. In life and in death, I am yours...forevermore. @};-'---

I must find him. I have no idea where to even begin, no idea how to clear my head enough to even start, I still must try. I have to hold onto something, hope from the ring he gave me so very long ago. Hope in his words that I need never doubt his love.

I do not know where he has gone or if he is even okay. For all I know he could be hurt, trapped somewhere. I have no idea. It is NOT like him to make plans with me and then not only break then, but not even send a message. Something is wrong and I can do nothing but fret.

Skye found me, though I am not sure how. Sneaky rogue. I guess it doesnt surprise me none. Hell, I should be used to it by now you would think, huh? She gave me a most beautiful gift, too. A gold and siver bracelet with roses and birds. Its so very beautiful and I will treasure it right next to Lucys bracelet on my wrist. I will misss them. I will miss so many. I am so lost and confused right now. Do I stay longer and wait for word or do I go and find my love? I just have this gnawing feeling inside of me that something has gone horribly wrong.

---------------------

I sponsored Cecil Demiles and and Mystia Silverwind. Both beautiful, kind hearted people, and I am so very proud to have sponsored them both. At least I've keeping occupied.

Okay. I finally did what I felt like doing all day. I cried. Hard. Ondenw as there. I think Bebhi said it best and I quote her "How can one person seem so at a loss without another. I never thought us not being together could feel this way."

Well, our situations may be vastly different, but the heart hurts when we are not together be for a day or a week...and so on...

I hate myself some days. I hate how emotional I am. I hate how I worry. Maybe I have done or said something wrong...but...what...? What was it? Something feels sooo wrong inside of me.

I love you, Pallas...please be okay...please.

Well today I’ve blessed so many I have lost count and I’ve farmed for a bit, but my heart is not really into it. I want to train right now, but I will wait for my love, and speaking of him, all that I can think about is Pallas, and the last words I spoke to him that he just…just fell asleep in the middle of!!! I do not even know if he head them! Not even a goodnight!! FUFF! So heartfelt were those words, too! Maybe from now on I’ll just keep my deepest, silliest feelings to myself, or to my journal. I do not know why really, but I am pretty upset by it. Nothing that I can do now and I am glad that he rested. *sighs a bit* Ah well.

On a happier note, Skyelark sang for us last evening in Cerbies when Pallas and I joined Jack and Sarah for a drink. It was crowded too. Lady Reesa was there as well, and Lucy and Spyne came a few others and then Skyelark walked in. I asked her to play and she did. Skye, she has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. She plays wonderful and she sings with so much feeling and so much emotion. I was so moved, with Pallas in agreement, I’ve asked her to sing at our private bonding in a few weeks. She is such an amazing person and I do not think she has any clue just how beautiful she is. I hope that I can help lift her chin and her spirits and that she can see just how special she really is.

Off to figure out something’s. Maybe I will write more later this day.

**Twirls a beautiful white thorn less rose between her fingers then smiles before setting it gently into her journals current page, and closing the journal softly**


Im think I know what I need. Some of me and Ondens special blend of tea and a nice hot soak in the guildhalls natural springs.

@};-'---

Well....I do not even know what to say! My guild officers have made me the Ambassador of The Learned. I can only hope that I please them enough to live up to their obvious high trust in me and their expectations. I feel truly honored and blessed to be with them all, and I love my home and family so very much. Through thick and thin, and though some days have been less then stellar, we are so united as family that we will always pull through any tough times, that I know in my heart.

I needed this cheering up after my love spent his night with Natasha. I know, he needed her help for his questing, but still I missed him and I do NOT trust Natasha as far as I could throw her and that be not far at all. That she-beast would eat me for lunch, as a side dish to her fillet of feisty gremlin. Humpfh!

I miss you, my love.

...continued entry for the day

Well, mayhaps my rant in my earlier entry DID, as she has edited her words in her journal to be more appropriate in the direction of her great anger. Beasties DO beware...you are going down!

----------------

Okay - so the day is lightening up a bit. I tossed stones with Onden, told him how Pallas had taught me and that Pallas was so good he can skip stones without glancing at them even. Turns out I must be the only one who can not quite figure it out. Not having had much practice as of late, mine more glide over the water then skip. Pretty, yes, but not the desired effect! Pallas will have to help me brush up on my skills. Onden helped lighten my mood, and for that I am grateful, even if he DID make me spill my tea when he scooped me up and jump into the lake! Im sokaed right now! At least he was some what of a gentlmen *smirks a bit as she writes* and did not just toss me in alone. **laughs** I can take. I better be able to, afterall, I am the Ocean Princess, right?

Now back to my very relaxing blend of tea while I ponder my revenge!

I have just read someone’s journal and I must say it was truly disturbing for me to read. I commented – I could not help myself but am really not sure what good it will do. Perhaps nothing, perhaps warn innocent others to stay away, or perhaps here get her mind straight? Imagine, walking around – wanting to cut peoples throats over a man?? I pray for her very soul. No wonder this man doesn’t want anything to do with her! Sheesh!! I know of whom she speaks and I now fear for him and my best friend with whom he is with! I was scared instantly for anyone who might step near the forsaken lass! It really isn’t doing her or anyone that she encounters a Gods darned bit of good to be walking around our beloved lands and wanting to cut peoples throats!! That is just pure, horrid unwanted evil! Oh – I am SOOO worked up over this. Some of us, we work so very hard and shatter ourselves to do good, to fight the evil which threatens us daily, and yet sometimes it seems there is just as much evil within the lands as there is on the outside of the lands- trying to get in!


**shakes her head and chews the tip of her land ray spine, her face flushed and animated**


Harsh and misguided indeed and not the kind of attitude that we need from our supposed allies, who stand beside each other daily to fight together and to preserve our lands. If she were standing beside ME, I would be afraid, and yet so angry that I would confront her and say exactly what I think of her.

Please, little lassie, please – it is not that I do not understand the hurt, for I do. If my beloved Pallas and I were to separate or something else horrible happen to us - I would leave the lands, but this violence you have for your fellow man, that is what bothers me so badly! Save that severe and intense harsh hatred and anger for the beasties of evil who threaten these fine lands in which we struggle and work so very hard to protect!! Do not take such filthy and undeserved anger - those unjust emotions out on your fellow adventurers, especially not over a man who was never truly yours to begin with! I can say with much certainty that I would not wish to ever stand beside you - or anyone else wanting to cut my throat as allies in the battle zone. Not now, not after knowing how you take such hate on the innocent. Such useless, pointless and violent anger! Disappointed I am now, and feeling like all good that I have done, and all good that other others have done has just been set back several feet.


Oh – I am so animated right now that I have snapped my land ray in two chewing on it so hard! I need to cool off, and perhaps I will be back to write some more later on.

Oh my love - please...please, take me away! I need to get away. Just me and you...together...please....



----------------

I’ve not much to say today. I took a short stroll from the guildhall and then ended up napping by the fire in the upper part of the Milltown Inn. I can recall voices, Ondens was one, some others…on and off but not anything really coherent. I feel in a funk. I walked out of the Inn and ran into Skye’s and we spoke for a few moments. It was quite pleasant. I really like Syke. There is just this aura about her that shines bright and is quite warming. She has been so kind to me these days, too. I appreciate that so greatly. Soon I want to just go sit at an Inn with my love, a cartel of wine and just listen to Skye sing. I hear she is a wonderful singer.

I spoke briefly to Bebhinn today as well. I was starting to miss her, as I had not seen her about the lands too much as of recently. I hope that soon changes. She is another one that I just really love to be around.

So, thus goes my day so far. Not very exciting, is it? I’ve blessed some, gave out guild information to those who have asked, got in a tiff with someone who thinks it fun to greatly overprice things on the market. I tried not to say anything, but, well you know me. I find it terribly sad. Anyways, maybe I’ve done more today then I realize so far, and things are okay overall, aside from this raging headache and on and off stomach pain. I feel dizzy a lot of the time these days and very tense. I really do think it is stress, emotions, etc. all just building and building inside of me. I want to be strong – and I try so hard but inside I am starting to crack some and I feel fallible like I am deceiving people on the outside – always claiming I am fine. Those who know me well, listen to me, and like to read what I have to say though will know better now I suppose. I think I really feel the need to just get away for a while, more so now then each day before. Maybe after I finally get to speak with Pallas, and when he is done his ever important questing and is inducted, perhaps then we can make some plans for a change of scenery. Even if is only just for a day. Though, at the same time I feel the need to battle more beasties, to fight the evil and get my aggressions out. Oh – I frustrate myself, how can Pallas and Lucy and my close friends even stand me? Just call me Ellyana Lilli - the Indecisive!

I crossed the boundry last night and stepped back into the lands when I had heard my love was looking for me. Last I thing wanted was for him to run off looking for me when I’ve only crossed the outside border of Valorn, to sit alone and think. Oh – I was so upset these last few days but with my heart-light Pallas and the love of my friends, old and new, I feel myself cheering up again, though I still can not shake the ice-cold that has infected my blood or the words that ring in my ears. Or the ship that calls to me…is this all connected in some way? What do I do? I’ve wanted to speak to Pallas, but we have much to do, and so I guess it will all just have to wait.

I have received my last blessing! Well, my last that I can learn at this time in my training. It was funny, really. I went with only one ancient glowing orange crystal. Bad luck it is, I know, to go with only one ancient glowing crystal, but I was feeling it was time for me to get a little lucky. I had my love in my arms, and my friends support in my heart, so what did I have to lose? I was so childishly happy when the holy man handed me a parchment on which the words read “Blessing of Cory’s Burden” I squealed for joy and bounced all around the top of the Dundee Inn. Pallas must think me so silly.

And so here I am – unsure of many things and despite the cold words inside me, I feel happy and hopeful and that is thanks to my love and his words. If he says I need not doubt him or his feelings for me, then no matter what happens, I will try my best to not doubt him. I know though, that he must understand the reasons why I am the way I am, but because of him and my close friends, I am a finer person each day.

[FONT=georgia]
[COLOR=pink]Through all of my tears
Power of my friends prayers
Silenced for now is my despair
My love - he is my golden key
My escape, my guardian, my sea
And Oh! Much too good for me[/COLOR][/FONT]

[COLOR=red]@[/COLOR]};-[COLOR=green]'[/COLOR]---

After last nights entry, I did not think I would write again so soon, but I had to write this down so I would not forget the words spoken to me. I’ve gone to the border of the lands…on the outside looking in…and still it feels like I am in that cage I spent so many years of my life within - living inside – and looking out.

Xx Ellyana

[COLOR=gold]

Ever get some news that is somewhat bothersome to you - outwardly it does not seem all that terrible, just depresses you and makes you a bit sad, but deep down in your gut it feels like a prelude of much worse things to come? You try and think positive, but for whatever the reasons are, you just can not shake the impending feeling of gloom?

I feel like that right now. All the sides of me, Ellyana Rose Lilli. Feel as if my already fragile world just might finally shatter into thousands of sharp little pieces. I think that perhaps after today, I will be gone for a few days at the very least. I don't know. I just feel like things are going to go terribly wrong, and rather then live through more pain and heartache, I feel I just want to run away before there is even a chance for it to come to light. I honestly think it would kill me, so rather then lay down and die, I want to run and hide like a child, and if I spiral downward and out of control and least the people I love the most in this world, especially my greatest most glorious love of all, will not have to be around to see it – or be cut to ribbons with the broken pieces.

I have bit my lip so hard while I have written that I can taste the blood in my mouth, and as I watch it fall and stain this page, I feel myself smile. It dulls the emotional pain and it shows me that I am alive, that my life is in my own hands, and what I choose to do next with that will perhaps have to be a story on another page, for another day.

No-one has done anything to me, nothing horrible has happened, and I love my rogue more then I can eternally say. I just feel in my heart that a storm is coming, I am screaming and drowning, and that there is nothing anyone can do to save me.

I feel so abruptly alone - disturbingly afraid. Tam-Tam, help me.[/COLOR]

We have leveled, FINALLY, and it was a long and tedious level, I tell you what! My love pushed himself too far to finish last eve, and was so exhausted that he collapsed a few steps from the trainer, right outside the town merchant! He could not even make the trip to the guild hall. That is okay though. As he has always been there to catch me when I fall, I was right there to catch him this time, like the good girl that I am and we rested right in the middle of the road. I hope no-one tripped over us or stepped on us. Wouldnt matter anyways, neither one of us would have had a clue, we were so deeply asleep, but sorry all the same if we were in the way. I blame my good friend and guild mate, Onden, and the tea he gave me for how out of it I was!! Yummy!!!


Ive obtained a new picture that a friend had given me. It made me blush to receive it, but I think its very beautiful. Not to sound conceited in anyway, please. It is what the picture seems to capture the emotion that makes it so, not that it is of myself. It is sad but I believe it captures the essence of my emotions almost perfectly, and I quite like it.

Today - well, today I have already given so many blessings that I feel about to faint. My friend is gaining his profession and with Skye, has asked me to go for support. Off I go.

The voices, jumbled and confusing as they are, have given me what I need...? What they want...?

I must keep silent now about it....

...but I promised Lucy...I dont know what to do.

I need to think.

Think. Dont just act.

I sit in the sand, close beside my still sleeping love now, looking out at the forsaken pirate ship remains and I wonder what were their last thoughts as they died. as the sharks ripped their bodies to bloody shreds. Did their screams echo out into the darkness, bouncing off the water in all directions for the entire lands to hear? Did all who perished shriek out a sworn revenge and trap their souls - binding them forever to this shipwreck, or did some pray to the Gods to empty them of their worldly sins, and to take them to a new world, thus freeing them of the impending purgatory in this place of their death? Were there any of them with a soul the Gods deemed was even worthy of saving?

My breath catches in my throat and I feel I might be sick. Maybe I need to stop thinking about the dark ship and its wretched and deceased crew, but I can not help but feel the pull of energy that radiates from the ship, the dead ship that to me feels animated and very alive.


Words once sounded with raw gritty expression from thy lips,

Blood stained empty eyes - now only a dark eclipse.

A story untold, buried and lost inside, dies and becomes myth,

Secrets hidden, drawing me inside the heart of the corroded dark ship.

I hope that I have made the right decision, though only time will tell me the answer.

Im exhausted, and barely the strength to hold the spine in which I ink my pages with, or hold my eyes open, but I do want to finish my thought.

Thank you for everything. For being my light when I see only darkness. For becoming my strength when I am weak.

I love you for who I have become in the time I have been with you. I love you so pure and so true - not only for what you have made of yourself my love, but for what you are making of me. Each day I feel more and more alive. For the first time in all of my life, I think I like myself, and that is because of you.

Can one even imagine how it might feel like to have someone come to you and tell you that you are dying? That the bells toll for you – even give you the exact moment of your impending death? To tell you that a grave has been dug for you, that a hand is waiting to escort you to a new realm and existence here is over. How might you personally react to knowing that? What would YOU do? Would you end life sooner? Would you freak out? Would you wait it out? Would it change the way you personally live out the last days, weeks, months of your life? Would you regret? Repent? Would you look at life – at everything within it any differently? Would you then, as many do, stop taking your given life for granted?

Strange though, is the irony behind not knowing the precise time of our own death is that it keeps most of us from ever really truly living a life at all. Most live in shadows of whom they are, REALLY are and who they could be - remaining hidden within themselves, afraid to just be. Walking through life – but not LIVING life. Drinking their ale, and sipping their wine, enjoying the fruits of life and yet not ever fully tasting what touches their lips.

How would you react, if you were to know the clock is ticking for you?

And do you think your answer would be different, depending on your mood at the moment of truth?

Do you choose to live, or are you already dead?

I feel unwell and I am so very tired but there is just too much to do to stop. People call me all day and night for healing and blessings and I can not say no to them. I also want this level and I must help my love finish his quest. Well, he doesnt really need me at all, as he is perfectly capable of continuing to handle this on his own, but I just love him and want to be close to him, so I tag along. Despite not needing me, he is way too sweet to say that to me, and claims he does need me. Maybe I am good for moral support, I really dont know.

Well, I went into the volcano while we were training in the flats, and guess what, I went the wrong way. Was pretty sure I would - thats a complete me move through and through. It is so frustrating! Thank the Gods for Pallas. Why do I even try? At least I kind of faced my fear a bit, diving in like I did. Boy, it is really hot and gross in there, I tell you what. I really should invest in a better map before we need to quest down there. All I can think of again now is dying a horrible death down there, but thatâs not something I want to talk about.

My dear Fen became stuck in the flats and needed some assistance, so in a way, Im very thankful to her because focusing on getting out to help her to safety is what kept me from panicking. Even with Pallas close, I felt ready to have a panic attack down there. How am I ever going to get my gauntlets at this rate? Guess I will worry about that once Pallas and I level, which should be in the next few days. We have been having such great days together between training and working on his quest, I dont even want to talk about anything negative and ruin our good days. He is doing so well, and I am very proud of him. I knew he would, he is just great at everything he sets his mind to, and the most resourceful man Ive ever met. Lucky me, because I am a scatterbrain!

So I sit here now besides him on the beach, having just come back from a quiet swim. I made sure to stay right at the shoreline, as the waters have been extremely rough these days and the currents here strong.

It is not even my quest and I am already so anxious my stomach has been killing me! Most of it will be easy, but a portion, if I am correct that it is needed, will not be so easily accomplished. Will take time, maybe, but hey, its to prove determination!

I never made it into the volcano. I am angry at myself BUT I did get my phantom mask today with my friend Emma, and last evening Pallas got his, with my Brother Matts help. Thank you, Emma and Matt. I hope Pallas isnt upset that I went today without him; I just figured he had more important things on his plate now then making a trip he didnt need to make twice.

Alright, not much to say today, as Ive spent much of my time working on something asked from above, and I must go finish that, and also my research on the Battle of the Wastelands. Ta!

As always though, I can not wait to see my love, we have so much to do!

Last night was good. I saw Pallas after not seeing him for a bit and we talked quietly and held one another tightly and cuddled together in a quiet little spot. I had missed him. I love him so much and I just want him happy - always. Thankfully I supposedly make him happy! I think very soon he will be questing, at least we are hoping since thats what we have been told, and we are holding off on bonding until we become guild mates. Supposedly Ard is waiting to see Pallas, but they are never around the same times. Quest is and has been ready. I've asked it be sent to Pallas by messenger bird through the guild, so we shall see.

We can only take one big change at a time! After we fell asleep last night, I was soon awakened by some friends and guild mates to help with a green guardian. Oh, what fun! I threw on my gear and I got there as fast as I could, and after much confusion (happens with too many people around) the green was slain, but not by my friend who had called me! Nope, but Sonoma and Onden. He was terribly weakened from me and Matt already, so one final hit from Ondens and Sonomas staffs and the green fell, dropping only a dull ancient crystal. Better luck next time, my friends. You know I will always help!

I took a cannon ride out and only by the grace of the Gods I landed alive; RIGHT outside the lighthouse! Fate? Luck? Destiny? Who knows but it was perfect. I climbed up the stairs and was back in my loves arms and he never had a chance to realize Id even gone. Cuddled back up beside him and drifted off to sleep. I was so exhausted I was seeing stars and the sun was up at this point. Fell right to sleep, too.

My brother Matt. He is one of the most amazing people Ive ever met. He treats me so great and he treats Pallas the same, I love him deeply and I couldnt ask for a kinder spirited, gentler man to adopt me as his little sister. Thank you, Matt, and I love you so much!


I am sooo itching to level. I am 60% there. I will wait for my love, because I love being with him and being together as we progress, even if it is slower at times. Now, if I am going to progress I need to do something first. Today I feel I can face my fears. My love burns strong and it gives me my strength. My love is right, he always is. I have nothing to fear in the stupid volcano. Well, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing like what I feared from my dreams. Right? Right. I trust him 110% so he must be right. I am sitting alone beside the volcano, peering inside ever so often, and I get the worst chills. Like a headless mallard walked over my grave, but I will go inside and by Gods I will beat it! Right? Yes, no. Yes! I have to for me and for my love. We need to level eventually and will need to go down there again to train, so I cant very well refuse to go back in. I dont know if I can, but I know that I want to try!

Lucy knows what to do, just in case.

If I ever get the courage to dive on in anytime soon, that is!

[SIZE=5]I have failed. [/SIZE]

I thought he would understand, but it seems he does not, at least I do not feel he does. I guess he had to be the one seeing what I saw, and feel as I felt in order to be as affected. I still can not shake images from my mind or from behind my eyes. He thinks my imagination is running in overdrive.


**scratches out a portion of what she has written**


I am just a silly little girl with a gloomy little past trying to get by with a little bit of hope and a little bit of luck, and a whole lot of love. I just hope that love Ive been given with my dearest one is truly for always. Ive come to find in my experience (and thats not much considering I did spend most of my life stuck with monsters) that most men Ive encountered love the idea of a seemingly innocent and silly young girl, especially one that is somehow jaded, and depending on what has happened to her will sleaze his way into her life however he can.

Thankfully I am not nearly as sweet and innocent as I look, and though I may have fallen for it a time or two as I made my way from my homelands to Valorn, Ive walked away many times in my travels to this land (and a few in these lands) knowing that I was the smarter one. Oh, you can tell me I am beautiful all you want. Lies or truths, I dont care either way. Tell me Ive got the biggest emerald eyes, the rosiest cheeks, the prettiest lips and the softest hair the perfect lithe form -- none of that matters without having brainpower to back it all up.

I dont know why thats even on my mind. Why am I feeling so defensive? Could be because I am extremely aggravated right now, tired of being treated like an object thats easily disposable. Tired of being looked up and down by some, I want to smack the smirk right off their faces. Could be I am tired of being taken advantage of. No, I mean attempted to be taken advantage of. New people who walk the lands that I have helped, half the time then become stuck to me, begging for more and more, mistaking kindness for weakness that they can exploit. That or after I have raced over to help, I get spoken to in a very crude manner, or treated like I am less equal. Its truly unbelievable the greed and ignorance in the lands these days. Nothing I ever do is good enough, never ever has been good enough, and so why should I think it ever will be?? Who am I kidding?

What is my purpose again. Why am I still here, in this realm? Sometimes I wonder not only why, but how. Maybe I really am made of steel and not just flesh, but I sure do not feel like steel and suddenly, I am not sure of ANYTHING anymore and I just want to close my eyes, curl into a tight ball and hide from the entire world.

I woke up in a hot sweat and crying and unable to breathe. I remember EVERYTHING very clearly and my hand shakes as I write this down before the visions vanish. My dreams last night, if they were dreams, must have been playing off my fear of the volcano and the maze within. Inside the volcano it is dark and smoldering hot, everything is red and black, hot and dirty. I have fears of being lost inside and all alone. The creatures are angry and all over every step I take. I dont know if I entered the volcano alone or just got lost inside with Pallas. I could see everything as if I was watching from above, but I could do nothing to change what I saw. I felt afraid, so afraid that physically and subconsciously I was paralyzed with the fear as I watched through clouded vision what was happening below.

I saw myself running in the volcano, fighting down monsters as best I could and screaming for Pallas as I frantically searched for ways to go in the maze. I touched a wall, rounding a corner as I gasped to catch my breath, and my hands burned instantly. I tried to no avail to heal them, over and over again, but nothing. I saw my face stained with ash and tears afraid and scrunched in frustration as I had tried to heal my wounds. I saw myself getting weaker as the ash and heat over powered me as I raced around. I could see Pallas in the volcano, calling out for me and trying to find me -- following my voice as he runs, slaying beasts down with a brutal passion - the volcano echoing my cries and his calls in all directions and making it even harder to track down a location. He was close, but so far as the confusing death maze divided us with walls of burning hot rock and ash. I was running again, my vision blurred and suddenly I was unable to cry anymore. My throat blazed, my lungs felt coated and drowned in the black plague of volcanic ash my head pounding from the sweltering heat. A creature unseen by me in the dream came from no where and slammed me violently to the ground. From above my dream I saw it all happen as if in slow motion, the beast came right out of the very wall, yet I could do nothing for myself in the dream to help. Next I saw the beast move away, and I saw myself lying there motionless in a twisted heap, blood flowing from gaping slash wounds in my chest and down my side, my hair splayed around my head. I could feel the pain of the wounds burning inside like fire as I looked down upon my broken body.

After a few moments I saw Pallas, who was still frantically searching, round the corner and skid to a halt right in front of where I lay, his eyes went wide and his determined expression changed as his emotions took over. I saw pain and shock, guilt, anger, disbelief and fear all wash over him in fast waves. His exposed flesh, even under the dirt and ash had paled instantly, and for a moment he seemed to be lost as his eyes darkened black as he stared down at his fallen princess in the dream. I saw him move again, dropping silently to his knees at my side. I saw tears on his face and he looked even more confused and lost, reaching out as if he wanted to hold me, to help me, but afraid to do so. Seeing the extent of the injuries, I knew from his eyes that he I knew what I already knew, as I watched above. He knew death had come creeping and had taken his love. In another slowed blur I saw him lean over, speaking softly down to me, checking vitals, checking for breath - for some indication that there was life still, but the look in his eyes and the gut wrenching pain I felt in my heart as I watched over the scene told me, and him, that there was none. How could I have died in my dreams?

Some say this isnt possible, but I know it is not impossible, as its happened before in my nightmares past. But, nothing before was as horrible and torturous as watching this. Nothing Id been through awake or asleep in all my life was as agonizing. I saw Pallas gently clean the blood and dirt from my pale and spiritless face, and then tenderly wrap his arms around my inert form, and still kneeling, he pulled me into his arms and just held on, tears freely falling from his closed eyes, cheek pressed to mine. That was the end, and that - what I saw last, was what took the breath from my body and forced me awake. I saw, not just Pallas holding me in his arms and crying over what appeared to be my death, but I saw my love forever lost and holding the shattered shards of his now completely broken heart, a blood red desert rose from out of no where blows into the area and rests beside Pallas, wilted and dull, and that was just too much for me to take. Next, I was awake and gasping for air through my tears. Dream or premonition? I've had both, and always, there is just no way to tell which is which.

So, what to write. I am sitting in verth, taking a short break from hunting down browns and thought I might try and write a bit. I am covered in critter blood and I seem to be allergic to thistles, as I can not stop itching my one eye, and I just havent felt much in the mood for writing these last few days. I have been more tired then normal and I am feeling like I am wearing a bit thin. I performed my first bonding. It was private and I was so nervous I thought I might faint, but supposedly I did a really good job and performed a sweet bonding. I am happy with myself for finally doing it and despite my nerves, it was very rewarding for me to bind two people in love, into their lives as one. It was emotional as well, but I kept myself well composed, I think.

Pallas was with me, he is my support and I was so relieved when he finally showed up to be there for me, as he said he would be. I was worried about him; we were supposed to go to Ethucan for the day before the bonding, or so I thought, but he never did show up until the bonding was about to begin. Ah - the life of being madly in love with a rogue. Nothing is ever straight-forward, as I have come to learn and he has told me from the beginning. On the same token, I have never been a what you see is what you get girl myself. I love mystery, and adventure and taking risks. Pallas can sure radiate mystery and romance -- and I trust him with my life, straight-forward or not. We have such wonderful times together.

I was upset, of course -- disappointed even, and he knew it. Thing is, part of me feels badly for some reason, knowing that my being upset bothers him. I mean, I am glad he cares enough to feel as such, but I do not want to make him feel badly but I was upset, and if I cannot be honest with my feelings, then why would we be together? So I am very happy that I know I can be honest, and that he is affected by me, but I am sad that I know he was feeling badly. Love can be so complicated sometimes. I want to hug and kiss him and at the same time smack him on the back of the head!

Oh this all feels so scattered. Maybe its just because I am tired and hungry, and a bit bothered. Someone thinks it is funny to randomly poke me and run away and then taunt me. I had some words with them, but that didnt seem to do any good. If it happens again, I might tell someone or just chop his finger off. Some people are just so rude and uncouth.